What was my reaction to the TEDxYouth event? Well before I say anything I must state that I am only flustered and disappointed in the fact that I was not confident enough to truly put forth the message which I had to say about how I came to my voice of feminism. I know that it was a great opportunity for me to truly express, with conviction, what I had to say about sexism and misogyny and the huge inequalities that exist. I also know that I did not complete this as my goal.
Once I got to the conference, I was not really worried about getting up on stage, even if it was in front of a lot of people. For some reason, the anxiety just did not get to me at all. However, that quickly changed once I stepped on stage. First of all, it was quite bright. There were many lights directed at the stage added on to the fact that those lights were staring into my face and eyes. I guess as much as I would like to believe that my piece which iI shared went well, i am very aware that it could have been a lot better. The funny thing is I was definitely prepared. I practiced many a time in the mirror to myself, and continued practicing right until we got on stage. Yet the first thing that came into my head was nothing. How do I categorize nothing? Blankness, my mind went blank. Whether it was the lights, or the anxiety finally reaching me, or some other unknown reason, all I could pull up were blanks.
It was at that point which I knew I was in trouble. Yet in all of this I was not angry because of the fact that I was looking foolish. I look foolish all of the time and have no problems doing so. What made me angry at myself was the fact that I was doing this when speaking on behalf of something that I feel very invested in, feminism. This feminism class has really brought me into the light and because of that I feel the need to share that light and help others find feminism. Yet finally when I was given the chance, I basically blew it.
See sitting behind a key board, thinking thoughts out and using the delete button is one thing. Going on stage and demanding attention and respect is another. Now keep in mind that I am not taking a shot at either of these things because both blogging and speaking on stage are very important. I am only mentioning this because it is important to look at the two as different. They are both good forums for getting messages across to the masses and I am only upset with myself to the extent that I did not put my message across as well as I could have.